The past three weeks have really been a loop in my roller coaster of life. The world dropped out from underneath me multiple times, sending butterflies shooting into my Self. Yet there has also been a persistent heaviness that is difficult to articulate fully and has been even more difficult to bear.
I have been praying for many moons that I will feel whole again. And that might seem like an odd request to be making, but perhaps it doesn’t if you understand what it feels like to be detached from a piece of your Self. I think a lot of us are actually walking around as fragmented souls trying to find the pieces of our Selves that we lost along the way.
The left side of my head feels as if it has been numb for a few years now, and I have associated it’s disconnection with the time I decided to leave vet school and jump off the mountain I had been climbing towards my DVM. In that decision, I chose to free fall into the unknown oblivion of life without a clear path carved out in front of me. I embarked on my own Fool’s Journey.
I have always associated this left headed part of me with my Masculine energy. It contains my ability to make decisions, create structure, and act from a space of wisdom. I have ached over the seeming disappearance over this vital aspect of my Self, and what it means for my journey if I am living so dominantly in my Feminine right side.
At times I have physically felt this left-sided part of me reintegrate, typically after lots of deep breaths, yoga, and conscious attention to the numbness I feel. At my best, I feel centered in my third eye point. My two energies merge together to form a third- a wholeness. I know this energetic state is achievable, and I often think of it as my “Garnet” form. A fusion of different parts of me into a stronger, wiser, embodied Self. If you have ever seen Steven Universe, you would understand.
Despite the re-integration I sought, most of my days have been spent feeling a heavy collapse of my energy into the right side of my body, and the numbness of my left side has become normal after months of disconnection.
But something in me shifted when the eclipse season began with the full moon in Libra. The lunar eclipse’s energy brought a spotlight into my field, and my mind suddenly began racing with doubts and fears. All of the thoughts that formed had to do with the Masculine energy in my life, and a lot of that frequency is embodied by my partner.
His quest for a stable job that will kick start his career path has been a tenuous journey, and I felt my patience and empathy begin to wear thin very quickly. For over a year I have been patiently awaiting his breakthrough moment in this storm, an opportunity to embark on a new journey towards building the foundation for the life of our dreams.
There have been times where he has been so close to achieving this goal, that we have been able to taste the life waiting for us on the other side when his job becomes secure. The independence, the freedom, the life together by the sea… all of our dreams are wrapped up in a confusing dance of trusting the Universe to guide the right job opportunity into his field at the right time. I have been in a constant practice of letting go of my own expectations and timelines, a very Feminine thing to do.
But the math wasn’t mathing for me anymore this eclipse season. At least, not anymore. The constant dead ends have made my soul weary… I truly am so tired of living in a housing situation that isn’t my ideal environment in a town that doesn’t allow me to plant my roots in a way I have longed and dreamed of since I left vet school.
I have been slowly suffering in this season of waiting, a season that has begun to take on the timeline of years instead of months. I am tired and weary. This exhaustion created the perfect storm to allow in the thoughts and frustrations, and they began to take hold.
This eclipse energy was full of impatience. The solar eclipse in Aries pretty much is the flavor of “I want this thing, let’s make it happen now, or else.” And that’s pretty much what I told my partner.
I said that I didn’t know if I trusted his Masculine anymore. That his vision, plans, and dreams are taking so long to execute, that I just don’t know if I can wait anymore and believe in his ability to get the job done when there is no evidence of movement.
I have been feeling cock blocked by The Universe. And yes the astrological weather report has a lot to do with it, but I also started thinking and assuming that my lack of forward movement is an indication that something is wrong.
And what could that something be? Well perhaps I was trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Forcing my relationship with my partner to fit into my dreams, instead of letting my dreams lead the way.
My thoughts, feelings, fears, and frustrations became so heavy and loud, that all I could do was put them on. It felt like I had found a box of old fur coats that I used to wear regularly, and I decided to try them all back on for size. They still fit, but boy did I not like the frequency that they took me to.
For days I felt like I was living exclusively in my shadow during this eclipse period. Oddly enough, the weight in my energy field shifted into my left side, and I almost felt like I was entirely operating out of my Masculine. Yet it felt so heavy, so wounded.
Despite feeling like I was at the bottom of The Wheel of Fortune, I didn’t panic. I didn’t resist. I allowed all of the horrible thoughts and feelings to be witnessed and experienced. And I also shared them. All the mean things I thought about my partner’s Masculine capabilities I spoke to him freely. My tongue was acidic in my mouth, yet I kept vomiting the bile I had been storing inside of me.
I wasn’t speaking out of love. My Feminine was nowhere to be found. I felt like a circuit board disconnected from my heart, devotion, faith, and truth. Yet I spoke anyway.
And I caused damage, I caused a storm. A ripple in the fabric of time that sent two alternative pathways careening into my present reality. My partner asked me if I wanted him to leave, if I was done. Was I?
What was my intention? Did I want to keep trying to find a way forward? Or was I truly done? Did I believe the thought forms coated in fear telling me that I can’t trust the unseen, that intentions are not reality, that I am hitching my wagon to an unreliable Masculine?
Or did I trust the current pulling me to something deeper? I felt a tiny tickle, a fleck of a higher frequency passing through my low vibrational soup, and I grabbed it.
I apologized for the way I spoke my truth, acknowledging the pain and fear I spoke from, yet also the nuggets of truth inside. I spoke my intentions of fighting for our dreams, of staying the course, braving the storm, trusting that our dream of living in a place of our own by the sea was planted into my heart, our hearts, for a reason.
I remembered what love felt like. A sweet sister of mine read my oracle cards, reminding me of the frequency of love and how if we can’t figure out how to say something out of love, we better not say it until we can figure out how to.
My shadowed coat no longer fit, it squeezed and it sucked and I had to discard it, and when I did I suddenly saw all of the ways in which I deeply value and trust the Masculine energy in my partner. I saw his thoughtfulness towards my well being, his tender heart that nurtures and connects to the depth of my soul, his tolerance for my highs and lows- my shadows and light, my right and left.
Tears budded in my eyes as I felt the clarity of truth landing in my spirit, that yes- I trust him. Yes I choose this. Yes. Yes. Yes.
The eclipse period made me feel like I was both Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde and also a strange combination of the two. I am not quite sure what to make of the vulnerability of these feelings and experiences, except to honor the process and hold space for all of it and none of it to exist at once.
What I can say about this intense portal that broke me down, broke me apart, and put me back together again is that my left side no longer feels so numb, just raw. I feel more determined in my path and trusting of my partner, and I also think that ultimately, this entire lesson was a reflection of my own inner Masculine’s energy.
Do I trust my Self to bring me towards my dreams? Do I trust my own ingenuity, building skills, and structure to house my career path and bring me towards safety, security, and abundance? Do I have the faith and trust in the moments of the unseen and unknown to believe in the current that is pulling me towards a life of my greatest potential?
I’d like to say yes. I trusted my Masculine’s energy in the past, when he was building a dream career of becoming a doctor. I got so far relying on his strengths. Suddenly when the path is my own and the way untrodden, it has been more difficult for me to relax and believe.
And maybe this whole ordeal begins in the seat of my Feminine energy after all. Perhaps it is she who must learn to surrender control, to make space for the Masculine to step up and reveal the plan despite her own critiques.
These dynamics feel so complicated within me, but I do sense progress has been made, and for that I am grateful. This eclipse season shook me like a snow globe, causing feelings I thought had long been settled to suddenly swirl all around me. I now feel centered in the eye of the storm, and I am choosing to believe in wholeness- a healthy integration of all parts of me.
There is still more to be revealed, as that is the nature of the eclipse. They are both extremely illuminating, and deeply obscuring. Despite the unknown, my seatbelt is buckled and I am holding to the frequency of love, trusting it to guide me through these waves.
XX Pisces Priestess